♥ 30 September, 2007
well well well. my heart is dangling in the cold once again.
who will understand the agony i'm going through, when your words just pierce through me like a sword. and who can understand how the words had affected me deeply and that damn fucking sadness that i'm feeling deep within me.
you said i dont understand you. perhaps i really dont. then again. do you really understand me? i'm honestly disheartened. so many times. so many arguments. so many disagreements. so many dried tears. so many times. i'm left in the cold.
if you are always putting on a strong front, how am i going to understand??! i wish i can read minds. but no. i cannot. and this really does get pissing sometimes.
perhaps. i'm starting to think. i'm really not good enough. i'm a failure in a sense. i failed to treat you good enough to meet your expectations. i failed to understand you. i failed to cheer you up at most times. i failed to make you feel better abt yourself. the only thing that i'm good at... seems to be making you sad/angry/irritated/frustrated.
damn, i'm having negative thoughts. i feel so damn useless. good for nothing.
once again. i wished i can just disappear into thin air. without a trace. perhaps earth will be a better place. and will you be a happier person then?
nothing lasts forever,
only memories
10:10 pm
♥ 29 September, 2007
was feeling rather happy initially. ystd. and today.
however. due to the things i heard, i'm feeling down now. real down.
now i know. my image in your heart is so bad. now i see.
have you regretted? i really hope for a true "NO".
damn. i'm fucking sad.
jeannette lim. die pls.
nothing lasts forever,
only memories
1:38 am
♥ 27 September, 2007
i realised. wat a bad gf i am.
i didn't really thought abt these before. i didn't realised the bad qualities i had. i didn't realise the hurt i've caused.
i didn't think i was so bad.
but now i know. i suck. i really do.
damn me.
heartached. heartaches.
can i just die pls.
nothing lasts forever,
only memories
3:49 am
♥ 24 September, 2007
alrights. i'm back. hahaa. ktkl commented that i haven been blogging for abt 10days already. so here i am. :x
Lol. ok.. i'm just being plain lazy to update la k. ;p hmmm. i dunno where to start. so many things took place these few days. heh. :/
watched movies. ok.. wat did i watch... let me recall... no reservations, rogue assassin and underdog. heh. all not bad i would say. :D wanted to watch the invasion initially... but no chance to watch lehh. :( saddd. x.x
hmmm. been working very little recently. die. next month pay sure very little again. :(( I'M POOR!!! and i really hate taking money from parents. :/ and i'm suppose to go work today de... but.. i sprained my wrist. pain!! :(( and i cant find a replacement for work. sighhhs. die. :/
whee~ most probably be staying over at ktkl's place for the next 2 days. hahhaa. got programmes for the next 3 days. ktkl's birthday on the 25th. heheee. :D probably having dinner with his family. then on the 27th got another outing. steamboat. hahaha. my ktkl is gonna melt!!! :x ;p
ohh. and and and. i'm addicted to playing audition these few days. Lol. used to think that it's a lame game. but now that i'm addicted to it. i would say it's nice. LOL. train my fingers. but. i still suck at the game though. :/ hahahaha. nvm. practises makes perfect. ;Pp shall go play some audition now.
byebye!! :D
nothing lasts forever,
only memories
11:02 am
♥ 16 September, 2007
i'm sorry if i'm always seemingly so unreasonably throwing tantrums. i'm sorry that i'm seemingly so petty at times. i'm sorry that i said things that i'm supposedly not suppose to. i'm sorry to have said things which made you unhappy/sad/angry. i'm sorry for the bad tempers that i supposedly have. i'm sorry for all the stuffs i did/said that caused you to be very-the-not-happy.
i'm filled with guilt everytime i know i made you sad/unhapy/angry. damn guilty even when it was accidental. i am having a problem with forgiving myself. sorry. i'm not good enough.
i'm learning too. learning not to get affected by the seemingly hurtful words coming out from others' mouth that i hear every now and then. learning how not to think too much. learning how to speak tactically, to prevent saying the wrong things (this which i seem to always fail?). learning how not to get emo and cry over all the stuffs that makes me unhappy? learning to forgive and forget. most imptly, learning to understand you. but i guess. perhaps i'm just not smart enough. or perhaps i'm just too dumb.
i have absolutely no idea wat to do now. other than patiently wait for you to cool down. i have absolutely no idea wat can i do to make things better, for fear that things might become worse if i were to say/do anything. seriously. i find nothing good abt myself. perhaps i'm better off dead sometimes. i feel like a burden even. damn. perhaps like wat somebody said... i should be the first to die.
i really do hate myself sometimes...
can't get a single thing done correctly...
all i know is...
i love ktkl...
and i'm afraid of losing you... to my tantrums and my supposed mood swings and my sensitivity.
nothing lasts forever,
only memories
10:41 pm
♥ 11 September, 2007
wheee~ i'm so happy. went out with dear and part of his family for dinner at some restaurant in chijmes. woah. think it's like.. only the 2nd time i've been there. ok. i'm a SK. i know. :/
hmm. ate alot of stuffs. expensive stuffs that i did not have the chance to eat before... yet. but now i have. hmm. let's see wat went into my tummy.. got 烤鸭, lobster sashimi, 蟹黄鱼翅, lobster noodle soup, duck tongue, roast meat, black pig meat. and lastly mango sago as dessert. the black pig meat is NICE. the duck also. omg. i'm like so full la. x.x think i put on a few kgs this evening. :s
however. i feel so damn paiseh. like. extra? sighhs. dunno leh. just don't feel good eating such expensive stuffs at the expense of other ppl. especially his mum? coz.. like.. 白吃白喝? :/ just dont feel good ba. scared give bad impression. :( sighhs.
hmmm. will be hanging out with dearie quite often this week. heee. sat going out to watch movie. then sunday will be our official one month. really looking forward. ^^
i love my ktkl. ("v")
nothing lasts forever,
only memories
11:32 pm
♥
i'm feeling tired. such a nice weather and i was dug out of bed. Thanks to my mama, who never fails to wake me up every morning at abt 8+ to go breakfast with her. :( x.x can't even 赖床 abit. sadd. :(
hmm. will be working for only 4 days this week. heee. all between 10.30am till 4pm. i hate working lunch shift la.... but... also good la. after that can go out, can meet my ktkl. heee. ^^ hmm. friday might be meeting up with his fren. and most probably i will ask germaine along too. hee. intro intro ma. :p but i seriously have to try to borrow some money from whoever at home la. damn broke... i'd be considered rich if i have like $10 bucks in my wallet. :/
heh. This sunday will be the 16/9. which is... our official 1mth. hmmm. wondering wat will be the plans that day. x.x and ktkl's bday is coming soon too. OMG. so many events clump together. WHERE IS THE MONEY??!!! $_$
hurmphh.
will be meeting ktkl later. ^^ i shall go slack around while waiting for time to go find him. probably get some slp 1st. :x
nothing lasts forever,
only memories
9:55 am
♥ 09 September, 2007
you never reply my msg for hrs. it's like. MIA since 8+? have you thought abt how i might be worried? is it really so difficult to even reply my sms? sorry if i'm really asking for too much. sorry if i'm disturbing you. sorry if my worries are irritating to you.
fuck. my heart ache once again.
the tears just won't stop flowing...
nothing lasts forever,
only memories
12:24 am
♥ 08 September, 2007
sighhs. i dunno wat's happening to us. is it my problem? sighs. possibly. :/
perhaps i'm just so used to keeping things to myself, sometimes i feel that there isn't a need to mention it to you... as it might worsen things, and make you unhappy also. thus, i decided to keep it to myself. and honestly, i guess i have some difficulties expressing my own feelings thru words ba. :/ some things, i just find it hard to say out.
i'm feeling sad. i dunno y. i'm also scared that you might still be affected over wat happened ystd. our conflict. i don't wan us to end in any way. ok. and i really don't like to hear you say those negative things. it breaks my heart. the feeling of you pushing me away, drifting away from me just makes my heart ache and tears flow. :'( and i just dont understand why you always seem to be doubting my love for you? sighhs. perhaps it's my bad. i dunno how to show it i guess. sorry if i'm not good enough.
i'm still thinking abt us. i'm just so afraid to lose you. the short phone conversations we had today, the short msg exchanged just made me think more. i'm sad, coz i somehow feel that you seem to be rather cold towards me today. are you trying to drfit away from me? :'( or am i just being paranoid? perhaps you were just really busy? :/
here i am. wondering if we'll be meeting up tmr. i hope we will. i want to see you. i want to be able to feel your presence to ease my heart aches.
i miss you. i really do.
& and it's a fact that i love you.
don't doubt me pls.
nothing lasts forever,
only memories
11:23 pm
♥ 05 September, 2007
ok. i've been feeling rather bad ystd. sort of emo perhaps, guilty too.!! arrgh. i know my dear was trying very hard to hold back his anger, trying hard not to blow his top at me. but the sight of him doing that, made me feel worse. arrgh. i'm so damn damn damn guilty. i wished i nv done that. my heart ached. :( i'm sorry i left that fiaking scar on your face. i just feel like cutting and slapping myself la. @$#$% even till now. i can't get over it. I'M SORRY. ~.~
hmmm.. initially not working today.. but last min gotta go over to central outlet. coz someone fainted on monday, rather serious condition i guess, currently in hospital. :/ suspected food poisoning. but there's probably some over-exhaustion involved as well i guess. hopefully work will be fine today. :/
the words you said, touched me deeply, and i realise how much you really mean to me. i really hope for our relationship to remain this way, or even better and never change for the worse. i love you, my dear ktkl.
nothing lasts forever,
only memories
9:54 am
♥ 03 September, 2007
woah. so fast, it's been one week into the holidays. omg.. which means... exams results might be out soon? OMG OMG OMG. hopefully i can pass... :/
hmm. went partyworld ktv with darling, dearie, marvas and gf on saturday. sang till my voice broke. LOl. it's good la. been long since i last ktv-ed. heheheee. happy. ^^ took some pics too.
heee. dearie took this for me. ok. i'm trying to act cute ok! :p x.x
ok. darling got bullied. sorry dear!! :x you know i love you. :p
so this was wat he'd been doing behind my back with marvas. there's another pic of them both holding hands... but i shall not disclose it. :x gayness is in his blood i suppose. he actually admitted that he's got 6 gay partners!!! x.x but it's ok... coz i'm his one and only female partner! (at the moment) heee. LOL. ;p ;p :x
anyways, met up with soju and went sakae for dinner. then went to watch ratatouille at marina square. heee. quite a nice show. funny too. :D after the movie, soju hungry again!!! and so he fetch us go chinatown eat porridge, at like 2+am? =.=
went home to "face the music" at 3+am. x.x hurhur.
there's suppose to be more pictures la, waiting for dearie to send me then i shall show more of wat we did. :p
to be continued...
nothing lasts forever,
only memories
9:57 am
